Interstellar Enquirer: The Alien Report

Where in the deep, dark Black are they?
Did they cause the Catastrophe?
Are they watching us now?
BEHIND YOU! (Made you look…)
In THIS issue of the Interstellar Enquirer, I speak to Eddie “Chuckles” Warren of the Roswell Division and Doctor Suen Chen of the University of Tau Station, a expert in interstellar colonization.
Let’s dive straight in!

I began by asking Eddie why they call him “Chuckles”. He did not find the question amusing and reiterated that he’d agreed to participate in the discussion because he believed the forum to be of a “serious and professional nature”. I can only assume he’s never read the Interstellar Enquirer…

I moved swiftly along, past Mr. Warren’s satirical middle name, to the question on the tip of everyone’s tongues, “Are there aliens?

Assuredly yes” retorted Mr. Warren, adjusting the pin in his necktie. You’ve got to hand it to the good citizens of Little Earth (that’s the colloquial nomenclature for the Jump Gate on L 726-8 A) -say what you like about them, but they’re snappy dressers. He continued in his portly, uptight manner. “Aliens visited Old Earth. There’s evidence of a series of visitations -unfortunately the powers that be insist on concealing it. We are certain they’ll make contact again. In fact, our entire philosophy on Little Earth revolves around that belief.

Doctor Chen observes her interlocutor with an almost clinical demeanor. When I ask her the same question, she responds with a markedly confident, “No. There is no evidence to support the supposition. Before the Catastrophe humankind had settled over fifty star systems and in every colonized system, not a single planet, not a single settlement, has shown any sign of intelligent life -let alone, little green persons.

Mr. Warren shot back at the good doctor, questioned her credentials and attempted to dismantle her scientific approach to the facts with pointed observations such as, “What kind of a doctor doesn’t wear a stethoscope? Why should we trust who you say you are, you quack?” Ironically Chuckles’ comment elicited a chuckle from Doctor Quack -apologies, Chen.

He continued his insightful tirade unabated: “You’re subverting the Truth with alternate evidence, but the Roswell Division is wise to your subterfuge -we will unveil this intergalactic conspiracy to conceal AI!

I asked him to clarify if he meant artificial intelligence or alien intelligence. Before he could answer the doctor gave her reply: “The only AI we need to concern ourselves with is artificial intelligence – simulated intelligence. Something I believe the residents of the Jump Gate are in dire need of.” She delivered the line with a smirk that, had they been in the same room, and not calling in, would have led to blows. Pity. I must try and get these debates held in person. Perhaps the Interstellar Enquirer can dish out for some Quantum Telepherisis next time. Speaking of instantaneously appearing in one place and disappearing from another I quizzed Mr. Warren on the numerous Space Elvis sightings of late.

To my surprise he took my question as a gaffe and told me, quote, “What those lunatics in my system get up to on the Spirit of Tianjin is not the concern of serious people. Elvis, from my scant knowledge, was not an alien, although, were he to be, we’d welcome him with open arms.

To the doctor I put this query, “Doc. The universe is a big, big, big place. Are you absolutely certain that intelligent life could not have formed elsewhere and that we’ve simply yet to encounter it?

She responded with a quip, “It’s hard enough to encounter intelligent life in conversations these days. There are billions of stars in the Milky Way similar to our Sun -and yes, the likelihood of one or several of them that we’ve yet to explore having habitable zones is high. In fact there are between two hundred billion and four hundred billion stars in the observed universe. Now, don’t you think that, had intelligent life developed in these zones that we’d have come across them already? And if not the alien life forms themselves at least evidence of past civilizations?

At this point in the proceedings Chuckles interrupted -vehemently.

We have evidence of past civilizations! They dot the landscape of Old Earth! The pyramids! Perhaps the doctor wishes to claim that these interstellar focal points are the works of primitive peoples? Since many of the Sun-like stars are billions of years older than the Sun, the Earth was visited! Visited by extraterrestrial civilizations and their settlements are sacred shrines down on the home planet.

A heated exchange followed. Chuckles accused Chen of being a Consortium stooge and directly involved in concealing alien probes discovered on the moon. The doctor suggested that Mr. Warren could use a good probe himself. I’d love to report that they left the debate the best of friends, but alas, I cannot lie.

The Truth? As the Old Earth saying goes, “It’s out there somewhere baby!

This is Sparky signing off. Keep your eyes on the stars -and let me know if you see any little, green people hanging out with the King.